sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
