don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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