You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
