Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
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