The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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