you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Randomize
