all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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