I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
