"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize
