And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
