Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize
