I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
