Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
