I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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