Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
