You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
