In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Randomize
