this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
