Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
