Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
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