he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I wish I only lived at night.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
