And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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