don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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