Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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