What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Randomize
