and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Randomize
