Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
