so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
