My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
i just sent this text using only my big toe
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
