dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
