WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
