Yo dont text me then not text me
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Randomize
