Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
party gras won. party gras always wins.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
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