Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
