His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
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