Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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