guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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