dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Randomize
