I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Randomize
