We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
