Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
