oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
