The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
