I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
