i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
