It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I just forgot I was standing up.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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