Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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