Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
