We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
