my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Randomize
